Here is one of the three poems I brought to the Advanced Poetry Workshop. This is the second draft and I really like how this poem has shaped out. I am not final with this one, so please comment and let me know what you think.
Metamorphosis
Our third grade class was watching the silk cotton candy
cocoon. At first no one noticed. But Mrs. Roberts
began to ask questions. And we were all so
expectant, hungry to see the unveiling.
Someone broke the branch. Pilfering
the prize from the class terrarium. We looked
in desks and cubbies. In all of the trash cans.
Even in the art and music rooms. Everyone
was upset and busy. All but Joey Watkins. Who
stood solitary by the monkey bars at recess.
We tried to include him in our somber
games. But he said to leave him alone.
Clouds banked in and upon our return to the classroom;
Joey Watkins had a glitter of scales upon his lips,
a dismembered angel thorax in his pocket,
and a look of fulfillment in his eye.
5 comments:
Much stronger, Scott. Small suggestions just suggestions):
Cut "silk" in the first line.
Change "broke" to "had broken" in line 5.
In couplets 5-6, maybe:
was upset and busy—all but Joey Watkins. He
stood solitary by the monkey bars at recess,
though we tried to include him in our games.
"You're it!" we cried. "Leave me alone," he said.
The semicolon after "classroom" in line 13 needs to be a comma.
Consider putting the angel thorax before the glitter of scales—maybe builds the sense of shock better, maybe....
Thanks for the suggestions Joe. I am going to let this one sit for maybe a week and then come back to it. I like your suggestions though. You always have a way of getting me to revise.
wow, I neglect my daily jaunt by your blog for a bit, and I miss a bunch :) Looks like that class was really great!
Well welcome back.
The class was great. One of the best I have ever taken.
Yeah, I agree with stuff Joseph was saying. The poem was great. The glitter on the lips should probably be last. Maybe another image before the angel thorax (what a great term, geez, that's good)and cut out last line. Too explanatory. We get it already. Maybe show us how happy he is differently instead of just telling us about his fulfillment.
Wonderful. That kind of experience is made for poetry.
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